Yesterday was a pretty chaotic day for me. It was supposed to be my last day working in Acute care at a Hospital that I had been trying to gain dutiful employment with for just about one year. Lured there by a tempting hiring bonus of 5K, (Which may seem a like a lot of money to a great many people. But having suffered from extreme poverty for the entirety of my adult life, I have never really known fully what it feels like to have the sensation of having a saftey net of money for an extended period of time.)
I had wanted to go to my last day of work, having just gotten over the tail end of a bad cold lately, and knocking just about all of my children along with it. Of course, nowadays, nobody who works in Healthcare can posess anything so much as a sniffle before they are ordered to go home and quarentine. I have been taking copious amounts of Dayquil and Benadryl the last several days. One of the disadvantages that ultimately set me up and made me vulnerable to Addiction and Substance Abuse Disorder is the fact that ever since my childhood, I have always had an extremely high metabolism and tolerance for drugs, whether they are prescription of merely over the counter medicines, such as ibuprofen or tylenol.
As a child, I remember having a pounding headache that seemed to have lasted for hours. I remember that my parents were gone, and that I had wanted to go downstairs to get some headache medicine. But, strolling through memory lane, I remember being to intimidated to go downstairs and get it because my Brother, who is the oldest of all six of us siblings, had told me that he was, “King of the Downstairs.” And would taunt me if I tried to go down there.
Of course, these are all just trivial childhook memories that I can now look back on fondly. Besides, I deserved it half the time because I was always the biggest tattletale when it came to my older brother was picking on me. Anyway, point in case. I could never just take one Tylenol. I had to take Three. And on and on and so it goes up to my Adulthood, where; unbenowndst to me, I would eventually succumb to the torture that is Addiction and Substance Abuse Disorder.
All these years later, I still have this disadvangage, this weakness, which makes staying sober from taking to much of over the counter medicine a struggle at times, particularly when I am overly Anxious, Stressed, and Fearful, as I have been for the last several weeks. I have been falling into the arms of regret. I have been falling into my illness.
And of course, my narrative is always there. Waiting. My symptoms have gotten progressively worse over the last few weeks, and I have grown increasingly afraid. My fear presenting itself in the form of PTSD and Trauma Relapses. Ironically enough, I have been blaming and punishing myself for my weakness, blaming the entirety of my actions on my disorder. Only now, within the last several hours, did I come to recognize that the severity of my symptoms; Anxiety, restlessness, irritability, my hair twirling, lip biting, and teeth grinding, my headaches, are all because of my Trama. Because I have not healed in my entirety, and I am still far from being Whole. Having never been able to have the closure that I have desperately sought and needed, I find that I am more vulnerable to bouts of relapse. Waves of bitterness and anger, confusion and fear.
Yesterday was my Mothers Birthday. And I have needed to talk to Family more than ever. As a passionate mental health care advocate, I have been fully aware of my triggers. Why they happen and what they mean. I know the warning signs. I know myself. Yet that is the tragedy of this illness. The severity of the physiological damage to my brain relentlessly trumps the morale of the most educated and dedicated people. Because like Covid-19, Addiction and Substance Abuse Disorder does not discriminate.
So I called my Mother, fully expecting to just leave a nice voicemail. Everybody has their own Strengths and Weaknessess, and sometimes it is difficult for my mother to keep in touch because our lives are so incredibly busy and chaotic. So I was pleasantly surprised when I suddenly heard her voice on the other end.
“What? You answered?” I said. I was pleasantly surprised. I cherish my mother all the more because she is more illusive. So when we do get together, despite my best of intentions, I always inadvertenly Trauma Dump on her, despite the fact that I know full well that she herself has her limits. During our conversation, I tried to gage when it would be that she had enough. I try to be aware and to listen to her subtle ques. But yesterday, I wasn’t able to read any. As I told her of my stress, my trauma, my ptsd, and my relapse, she listened patiently and emphathetically. She also told me of her strong testimony and believe that all of the trials of which we are made to endure in this life, both big and small, are meticuously and deliberately designed for the expansion of our Souls. Shaping us into better, wiser, and more refined individuals. Similarily, this testimony had been made manifest to me over and over during my life, but especially in the last four years respectivley. Which is why this post is specifically dedicated to Book 2 of my Six Book Series, Amidst Love’s Deepest Shadow.
Shortly after my DUI in the Summer of 2018, my mother compiled this book for me. A compilation inspiring and uplifting thoughts, quotes and passages that she had once used to sustain herself during times where she was prone to bouts of depression, as she and I both have been throughout the years. Ironically, Depression, as well as Addiction and Substance Abuse Disorder run in our family, the nature of which I will explore in Book Three of my Series, Dear Nora.
“You Know, this world has been full of bad vibrations. Everyone seems to be suffering. But look at all that you have been doing under the circumstances that you are in. You are doing enough.”
-My Mother
Over the course of probably over an hour, my Mother gave freely of her “Good Vibrations.” Feelings were validated. Perspective was given. Trauma and the Repercussions of my pain were not scoffed at or questioned. And it was such a Blessing to have my Spirits lifted at a time where I truly needed to talk to Family the most. I wish that I could have given her more for her Birthday. I wish that I could show my appreciation more for her sacrifices, both temporally and emotionally, Because it is difficult to listen and to know that your child is suffering, and feeling as if you feel helpless and unable to assist them. And that can take a toll on anyone. So thank you for giving freely of your Good Vibrations Mom. And Happy Birthday. I love you.
Love,
Your Daughter- Jenny Miner McCombs-The Addict Empath
Drowning in Madagascar 