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Substance Abuse Disorder
“I did not even understand what my trigger was. Perhaps it was the profound absence of affection. Or the knowledge of having the people I loved most look down on me. I took three xanax and six oxycodone. I thought it was enough to provide a high. An escape from the pain. The guilt. The shame that was destined to swallow me whole at any moment. Not nearly, in my wildest dreams, enough to cause any serious harm. I was wrong. The first thing I reached for upon waking was a nasal cannula, as I heard the soft, distant beeping of monitors. But I do remember the first thing I said. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
-Drowning in Madagascar
Opiates
Stimulants
“In the morning when I wake up, I cling to that warmth in my chest, purely synthetic in form, that reassures me that right now, in this very moment, I am okay. Because somehow along the way, I could no longer remember the feeling of happiness in it’s organic form.”
–Drowning in Madagascar
“I do not want to be defined by my weaknesses and mistakes. Escape, and to merely get by. To find a way to take a shortcut through life and the things that hurt the most. Enhance my energy and optimism in a little Orange pill that left me wondering, “Is this coming from me? It feels as if I have control over my life. I’ll never really know until I get off of it. I don’t know what will happen. What a mess I have become. How hard it continues to be to realize that it was all purely synthetic in form. That it was all chemical. I felt so sure that it was coming from me. I had to try and learn all over again how to recognize when pure happiness and contentment was coming from my own beating heart, and my own organic mind.”
–Drowning in Madagascar
Sedatives
Drowning in Madagascar 