“You will Bring Joy to the Souls of Many as you Lift up their Hearts Through the use of your Talents, and the Edifying Experiences that you will have in this Life. For you Have Much to Accomplish.”

-A Sacred Passage from a Blessing I recieved when I was 15 years old.

These are my thoughts. Passages written by my own hand. Other authors have equally brought me solace throughout my journey. I hope that you can draw strength, wisdom, serenity, and the power to change through whatever you may find here. People draw strength from many unique sources. Everybody finds beauty in something uniquely different.

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s442/sh/4133a041-7232-f9df-7593-974b60a7c8c6/eda960fde6ab97637ce69b202872d081

I Once Saw a Man


I Once saw a Man
He looked just like me.
His outward scars vast
Mine Concealed Just beneath 


He asked me

Where am I now?
Can I see my own child?
His voice quivering and meek. 
His demeanor was mild. 

 It was I wearing scrubs
And he,  smock and gown
It pained him to utter
And I could not frown. 

He asked me

How long have I been here?
When can I go home?

I am anxious
I'm lonely 
I have nowhere to roam.

I am sick
I am weak
Will you give me your hand?
For I have not within me
 the strength to Withstand

I Once Saw a Man
He bore pain in his eyes 
My stoic front softened 
Eyes no longer dry.

They were wet
Tears Restrained
My Soul filled with Shock
Only Moments ago he was
Someone we Mocked


He was Bewildrered
Confused
He was often defiled.
For we perceived him distasteful Merely wicked or wild

We deemed him offensive 
We disparage and blame
But the Shame we Inflicted
Once tainted my Name
Then a Still Quiet voice Whispered; 
My Child, Come, let us see
Remember my Scars
Recall not what they Mean?

My Hands and my Wrists Feet atop Wandering Earth
This Lesson for You is a Time of Rebirth

Our Ins and our Outs
All the things that we Measure

God gave me this gift 
that now I will Treasure.
I once saw a Man
He had Suffered
Just like me. 

My vision so faint
Now I find I can see.

For I know who you are and I know of your Pains.
My Scars are as Yours
And Our Souls have been Maimed
Our Letters of Scarlet Deemed Needless to Bare
  Divine Intervention Beyond Earthly Compare


I will hear you
I will See you

For I now Understand.
I am You in this Moment

This was all part of God's plan.

“Each time I pick myself up again, I get so worn out, and hopelessness returns. Sometimes, when these feelings arise, I contemplate the raging battle within, and why the advisary has been trying so hard to rob me of my faith. There must be some great potential deep within me, some goodness or influence that he fears, preventing me from who I could become with God’s help.”

–Drowning in Madagascar

“*She remembered who she was. And the Game Changed.” -Lalah Delia*

“There was a time I was riding my bike heavily pregnant, 7 months along, to a meeting. My handlebar clipped the rearview mirror of a parked car and I flipped over, head over heels off my bike and I instinctively protected my abdomen and my swollen belly. I hit the pavement. I could feel the metal of the bike pedal embed itself into my ankle. I saw a classmate of mine and I jumped up and threw myself into his arms. And the surprising thing about that interaction was that he let me. His name was John. And he let me hold on to him for a few moments because I was scared, and I was hurting, and I was in pain. And he didn’t let go. He didn’t apologize or chastise me in any way. And I never forgot that. I never forgot that embrace. The hugs that I have received from my fellow addicts. The kindness shown, the mercy given. People I could hug freely and without restraint. People who would not question whether or not I was worthy. But simply because I was there. I didn’t have to prove myself worthy of affection. The people who taught me about what love is and what love isn’t, are the very people society continues to shame, scrutinize, demean, judge, disparage.”

–Drowning in Madagascar

“I would love to embrace freely the notion that the ultimate illusion of control is about gaining the willpower to overcome an illness, and not to embrace it.”

-Drowning in Madagascar

“Being free of your substance of choice or behavior of choice is half the battle. It is the silent battle, the battle that continues on after the physical manifestation of illness dissipates. When your body is full and there appears to be life in your eyes. When your friends and supporters have since faded into memory and you are left alone with your all pervasive thoughts. When people start to ask you, yet again, with a tone of formality that masks genuine indifference. That is when the illusion comes full circle. You begin to realize that you still feel very much alone.”

–Drowning in Madagascar

“I would like to think that I am learning from my mistakes. That I would not go down that road again. Because I already know where it leads. Why would this time be any different? I am stuck in a ditch and I don’t know how to truly get out. I know that to progress in life there can be no shortcuts. We all have to travel down the beaten path. Deep down inside I know this. I would like to believe that I am still a good person. That if I go through a period of silent rebellion it is because I am hurting. I am afraid and ashamed of the mistakes that I have made.”

“I darted into the kitchen, into the spare room where two of my friends were conversing, one amongst the other. And I wailed and I freaked out and I panicked and I started hyperventilating and gasping for air. I threw myself into their arms and started weeping in earnest saying, ‘Those are my children! What did I do to deserve this? This isn’t fair! Those are my children! I want my family back! What did I do to deserve this?’ And I sobbed. And I sobbed and I sobbed for five minutes straight in their arms. And when the time came that I attempted to release myself from their grip she held on all the tighter. Because she was not ready to let go of me. They were both mothers. And I could hear them weeping along with me.
And I was so grateful that they were there. To hold me, and to not let go. Even when I felt I was ready they did not let go of me, but they held on all the tighter. That is love. That is what we deserve. That is what every human being deserves. Whether you are an addict or not.”

-Drowning in Madagascar

“Let go of the idea of perfection. You are not perfect, you are real. Let yourself be flawed, and allow yourself to make mistakes. Recognize that you’re not always going to have it all together. Sometimes your heart is going to break, you are going to get hurt. You are going to feel pain. Don’t apologize for being broken. Every time you break you become a little more alive. You become more open with yourself. You become exposed to your sensibility. Every crack tells you a little more about yourself your strength, your courage, your tenacity, what you’re made of. Do not hide these pieces from the world, they are a part of who you are. You see, the most beautiful people are broken. Their hearts are heavy but they love the deepest. They have seen the dark but they appreciate everything that shines. They’re compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. Beautiful hearts just don’t happen and you my dear are going to show- the world just how beautiful you are.”

– Bryan Anthony

“It is really peaceful out here. It is raining slightly and you can hear the thunder rolling in behind the mountains, the lightning flashes out of the corner of my eye. It is very peaceful. I have thought about that word. Peace. I have lost hold of where I can turn for peace. The last few moments I have thought about how this relates to my Bulimia. I do not think it is really about weight anymore. It feels as if I am trying to fill a void that I never knew I had before. I have been trying to fill it with food, but I like how I feel afterwards, after I have rid myself of it. Empty and vacant. Ready to start over. Start anew. To resolve to be better. To not be held captive any longer. I NEED to fill that void. I need to remember what it was that I used to feed my soul. It does not necessarily mean reading the scriptures hours every day and into the night, but praying, thinking, and pondering. Not always thinking about food; what I am going to eat or avoid eating. Or resolving to eat the same things every day. When you are too busy thinking about food and binges all day, you really do have any time to feel much of anything else. Not really. If you do, surely it is an illusion. I hope that today may really be a new beginning. I know that it won’t happen overnight. Maybe not even anytime soon. But what people do not understand, what they need to understand, is that I really WANT to get better. I did not ask for this to happen to me. I am not embracing this. That is the cruelty of this disorder, this mean disease that I have. The stigma. The scrutiny, and the scars.”

–Drowning in Madagascar