Eating Disorders

“It is really peaceful out here. It is raining slightly and you can hear the thunder rolling in behind the mountains, the lightning flashes out of the corner of my eye. It is very peaceful. I have thought about that word. Peace. I have lost hold of where I can turn for peace. The last few moments I have thought about how this relates to my Bulimia. I do not think it is really about weight anymore. It feels as if I am trying to fill a void that I never knew I had before. I have been trying to fill it with food, but I like how I feel afterwards, after I have rid myself of it. Empty and vacant. Ready to start over. Start anew. To resolve to be better. To not be held captive any longer. I NEED to fill that void. I need to remember what it was that I used to feed my soul. It does not  necessarily mean reading the scriptures hours every day and into the night, but praying, thinking, and pondering. Not always thinking about food; what I am going to eat or avoid eating. Or resolving to eat the same things every day. When you are too busy thinking about food and binges all day, you really do have any  time to feel much of anything else. Not really. If you do, surely it is an illusion. I hope that today may really be a new beginning. I know that it won’t happen overnight. Maybe not even anytime soon. But what people do not understand, what they need to understand, is that I really WANT to get better. I did not ask for this to happen to me.“

–Drowning in Madagascar

The origions of eating disorders are complex. As the name suggests, the majority of people safley assume that the predominant theme of the disorder revolves around their relationship with food and weight. This is erronous. Eating disorders are about control. People who develop eating disorders are people who feel helpless. People who feel as if they have no control over anything in their lives. Often, their bodies are the only things in their lives that they feel they do have some degree of control over. An outward manifestation to show the world the extent of their suffering when words fail them. For as much as the loved ones of us who have suffered fail to grasp a behavior that is highly unidentifiable, they also fail to grasp that for many of us, our own behaviors confuse us and torture us as well.

“To Feel Empty Feigns Fullness.Control Quest. Divine. Repetition Essential  Through the Passage of Time.  A Languish. Stalled Longing.  A Bittered Souls Yearning.  A Cycle Relentless.  The Insides are Burning. Remain Numb. It Reigns Ever. To Feel Nothing at all. Embattled.  Unyielding.  In our own Secret Stall.“

–Drowning in Madagascar

A Live Read from my “Little Black Book”

Question and Answer

“Why does my loved one get upset, defensive even, when I tell them that they look good, as if they are getting better? Isn’t that a good thing? I am so confused.”


The concept that I am about to explain to you is particularly tricky for people who have not actively suffered from a diagnosable eating disorder for an extended period of time. Despite the term “eating disorder” the majority of us who suffer from these illnesses will tell you outright that their illness is not, in fact,  motivated by food. That may have been the case initially, but very quickly it escalated into something else entirely, and for a large majority of us, that something is not initially or readily identifiable. For a person who suffers from an eating disorder, everything in their life centers around the illusion of control. That is why we go to the extremes that we do, and why we “punish ourselves” for our lack of control and self discipline.

When it all comes down to it, for a person who suffers from an eating disorder, their illness facilitates an outward expression of an internal pain. It is their way, whether consciously or not, to let the people in their lives know that they are suffering emotionally. This is how they set themselves apart. This is how they get noticed. This is where it gets tricky. Telling an anorexic that they look “healthy” for example, inadvertently tells the sufferer that they have lost control over their bodies. For many of us, our bodies are the ONLY thing in our lives that we  Drfeel we can control. To us, being told we look “better” or “healthy” is interpreted as a sign of personal failure. We feel that we have lost control and self discipline. Furthermore, looking “healthy” is the equivalent to looking “normal” and normal is something we simply cannot be. That is why we go to the extremes that we do. The end result is that the loved one essentially adds fuel to the fire, strengthening the person who is suffering’s resolve to recommit to rigid self deprivation. Therefore, the good intent of the loved one essentially backfires in a very real and potentially damaging way. Here is an example from my personal journals.

“One day I’ll want to exercise and take care of myself and be healthy, and the next, I might not want to eat at all and show everyone who thinks I’m too thin just how much thinner I can be. It’s like when someone says I’m too thin, it just fuels my desire to be even thinner like I’ll show you! Next time you see me, I’ll have lost another 5 pounds!  Do I think this is rational? Of course not! But like I said before, I’m painfully aware of my actions, what isright and what is wrong.“

“Why does my loved one act pleased with themselves one minute and then act hurt the next when I express concern and worry over their weight? Don’t they love me enough to care how this is affecting me too? How am I to express concern for my loved one without offending them?“

This question is essentially the flipside of the previous one. When a loved one tells the person who is suffering from an eating disorder that they don’t look well, that they look too skinny, or that they are concerned etc. This message reinforces to the sufferer that their diligence and commitment to their self deprivation and rigid structure has paid off. This not only motivates the sufferer to continue engaging in self-destructive behavior, but in many cases, they feel the need to take it to extremes and to outdo themselves, recommitting to lose even more weight. Which, despite the loved ones’ well meaning intentions, can have severe negative implications. Now, this may not always be the case one hundred percent of the time, and at times, the suffer may take offense. This makes it extremely difficult to know what to say and how to say it. Here is a prime example from my own experience.

“I am afraid to write down what I am thinking because I know it is not good. I have to search for the right words to say and even now, I am afraid to write it out. Afraid someone might see, and what they would say. It is so odd, earlier this year, I told myself that if I could reach 125 lbs. that I would be happy. Then I hit 122 lbs. I was surprised yesterday when I saw that I was 117. But I am still thinking to myself, ‘but that is only five pounds since January. Instinctivley, I thought that it was not enough. After all, my mind would say to me, ‘what is five pounds more? What would my body look like at 112 lbs anyway? My husband is concerned obviously, and I know that all of this secretivness is taking a toll on our marriage, and how close we have been as of late, both physically and emotionally. He told me yesterday that he’s been feeling more ‘bone’ on me than he is used to, and that it’s concerning him. I was surprised. I don’t understand. I thought that I would be happier if I lost more weight, but when he said that, I found myself getting frustrated. Quite suddenly, I felt as if I was not desirable. Either way it feels like I loose.”

“Why does my loved one continue to push me away and even get angry when I try to give them practical advice? I am just trying to help them after all, why can’t they see that?”

Most people who suffer from addiction generally know and understand that their loved ones mean well when they give unsolicited advice. We understand that you want to help, and it is difficult to not take it personally when your good and honest intentions get met with defiance, indifference, or ignored all together. The problem is, a great deal of the time, unsolicited advice is often patronizing in nature. Without sincere empathy, it is impossible to grasp just exactly what goes on inside the mind of an addict. The general assumption is, that because we do things that we know hurt and damage both our minds and our bodies, that we are ignorant or indifferent, or even worse, that we geniuenly enjoy our repetative and self destructive behavior. Knowing that this is the generalized assumption of our loved ones is often intolerable for us. When giving advice to a child or loved one, it is vital to understand that the addiction in and of itself is not the predominant conflict in their lives. The addiction is merely a destructive coping mechanism. A learned habit that serves us well when it comes to avoiding our pain. And that pain is deep and profound. That is why we go to the extreme measures that we do to protect ourselves from the emotions that we cannot process. That we cannot handle. That we go to great lengths to avoid.

When advice is offered, you must try hard to see past the destructive nature of their physical deterioration. You need to ask questions that do not have to do  with their physical appearance. Do not advise them to eat or not eat. Do not tell them to try harder. Instead, focus on what their internal needs are. Remember, addiction is merely an external manifestation of an internal and unspoken pain. Substance Abuse Disorder has been catagorized as a disease for some time. If a person’s body is ravaged by cancer, we do not ask them to will it away, that it is just mind over matter. Never condemn a loved one for not trying hard enough. It is critial to understand that just because our coping mechanisms are seemingly unidentifiable and confusing in your eyes that we do not deserve the same amount of respect. Our actions may not be dignified, but we all deserve to be treated with dignity. Comments such as these will just drive us further and further into our own demons. Here is exert from my personal journals to provide relevance and context.

“Mom’s idea of trying to help me isn’t exactly encouraging. She just seems forceful and demanding, not at all sympathetic or even aware of the emotional stress of the disease, or the collective toll it takes on my mind and body. Today I just felt like between mom and dad, I was just another problem to be fixed. All mom seems to focus on is the physical aspect. She always tells me to ‘gain a few pounds’ or, ‘let’s see some progress.’ She’s not aware that every minute of every day with this disease is different.  I could feel happy, hopeful and optimistic about life for 10 minutes, then feel totally discouraged the next. What she doesn’t understand is that her methods of trying to help me don’t work. They actually drive me further away. I either rapidly lose my appetite, or I feel like I want to puke. I don’t think my mom knows how to help me through this one. The only time my dad even mentioned my health was merely in passing, fifteen minutes before taking off to the airport. He tries to make amends by offering a brief family prayer in the den before he departs. Praying that my mother may be strengthened while she “babysits” my sister and help her learn more about “strengths in mothering.” and to help, “Jenny recover from this illness” or whatever. I know that it is wrong of me to feel annoyed when I know that he means well. But both of my parents are just going about it the wrong way. Both of them fail to understand that just because I am suffering from an illness that does not make any sense in their eyes, and by all appearances seems irrational, that I am somehow unworthy of being treated with the same amount of respect as anyone else who suffers from another form of illness. I do deserve respect, and some degree of privacy for that matter. Believe it or not, my Father actually mentioned, in quite the casual tone, to a neighbor of ours something like this. ‘Oh, my wife is staying till January and leaving me. She is helping Jenny. She’s been throwing up.’ That totally infuriated me!!! He does not understand at all!! What a complete and total lack of respect! I was so pissed off! People are afraid of honesty. They only hear what they want to hear. When they don’t understand, they find it easier just to push it away to cover up their own confusion or sense of helplessness. This is MY journal. I should not be afraid to be completely  honest within these pages. I guess I wrote in my little black book because I was so very ashamed of myself and my feelings. But this is how I’m describing the feelings I go through everyday with an eating disorder. This is NOT who I am. People need to be able to differentiate the two.

Do you have Questions on Eating Disorders? Please Comment Here

-Drowning in Madagascar

http://www.drowninginmadagascar@gmail.com