This page is dedicated to those who believe in the power of Gratitude. As for me and my unique journey, I often saw the hand of my own higher power guiding me through life’s toughest and most daunting of paths. At the time, I questioned why I had to go down those dark paths. I have a great deal more clarity in my life, more than I ever have. But I still do not have all of the answers. Nobody ever does. But I do know this. Whenever I felt like I could endure no more, whenever I felt as if I could not possibly feel more alone, scared, or sepereated from the rest of the world, these experiences proved to me that my higher power was always there. For me, it was God. For you, it could be something else entirely. Nature, meditation, family or friends. Whatever you draw strength from, that is a beautiful thing. And it is to be celebrated as an integrated part of your life and your recovery. These are the stories that have sustained me throughout my journey.
My Gratitude Journal
Yesterday a guardian angel saved me while I was having a panic attack at the Walmart checkout. Money was so tight and I had to choose between laundry detergent or other more personal wants. I knew I needed $20 cash back for the book fair that my sons had been looking forward to, but I also wanted my particular piece of clothing. I was already late picking my boys up as I have been so many times lately. I was rushed to, angry, panicked and embarrassed. My mind went completely blank and I just had the heat and anger and embarrassment burning in my chest. There were people behind me, and I had my boys with me. Then a young man came to my side and comforted me, offering me $20. I was embarrassed, but extremely grateful. He was very kind and reassuring. He stayed with me the whole time. He even paid for my laundry detergent with his credit card. He walked me to my car and loaded my bags. I couldn’t have thanked him enough. He really saved me. And I know that despite all that I am going through and resentful I may have been as of late that it was a subtle yet strong reminder that my savior is looking out for me. I am so thankful for that, despite all the mistakes I have made, I’ll try harder to make my way back to him.
November 2011
“I have been vacationing in Hawaii to visit my parents with my three boys. A fun and rewarding time, but also one with high emotional stress and anxiety. I was pushed to the edge trying to manage my panic attacks. They have been growing stronger. I was at Walmart shopping with all of my boys when my dad’s car that I had borrowed, which had the key stuck in the ignition, was quite literally not where I parked it! It was not anywhere in the two lane area on the left side of the store where I knew it had previously been. I was certain. There was no doubt in my mind. I was so emotionally raw from all the events that have occurred that I started sobbing and going into a full on panic attack right there in the parking lot in front of my three boys. I paced up-and-down the two lanes, frantic, trying as hard as I could to hold together from my kids. I came across a lady who was going to her car, when she saw how distraught I was. She comforted me and listened to my plight. She helped me search for my car, peering inside every white ford up-and-down the aisles that happened to have a key stuck in the ignition. It was all I could do to keep my growing panic attack under control. I did not have my anxiety medication. I had run out before I flew out. After a while she found it parked on the other side of the parking lot. Someone had literally decided to take it for a ride and park it on the other side of the lot, I have no idea why. She hugged me and comforted me. She gave me advice. As it turns out she happened to be a social worker. I knew that she was sent to me. I knew that my Heavenly Father sent her to me. It was no coincidence, of that I am certain. It was definitely a testimony building experience. One that I will always remember.”
Drowning in Madagascar 